1-Sentence-Summary: Leadership And Self Deception is the ultimate guide to becoming self-aware by learning to see your faults more accurately, understanding other’s strengths and needs in a more generous light, and responding positively to the instinct within you to help other people as much as possible.
Read in: 5 minutes
Favorite quote from the author:
2020 has been awful. To top it all off it just had to be an election year in the US! I hate elections and politics. They bring out the worst in people. But they also reveal some of the darkest problems with society.
One of the biggest that I noticed this past election was the issue America has with self-awareness. People on both sides of the political fence fail to recognize those on the other side as regular human beings with emotions and needs.
Then, people justify their hatred and awfulness by deceiving themselves into thinking that everybody else is just an object without feelings. What’s worse, this problem isn’t just limited to politics. We can see it in the workplace, in families, and all throughout society.
Interestingly, there’s a book that can teach us how to solve this problem and it’s been around for over 20 years! It’s called Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute and will show you why you’re wrong about others and how to become your best self by improving the way you see them and yourself.
Here are the 3 of the most helpful lessons this book taught me:
- You see your needs as more important and other’s needs as less, which makes you forget that they are people too.
- You try to justify your view of the world by inflating your virtues and overemphasizing other’s weaknesses.
- If you want to beat self-deception you must always act on that instinct you have to help others in need.
Are you excited to reach your full potential by uncovering and destroying an aspect of your thinking that’s holding you back? Let’s go!
Lesson 1: Self-deception makes you think that the needs of other people aren’t very important, which makes you treat them like objects.
Imagine you’re sitting on a bus with an empty seat next to you. Are you carefully watching others around you, hoping that nobody takes the seat?
This is a form of self-deception in which you value your own comfort above that of others. And you do it all the time without realizing it.
Everybody wants and even deserves respect. Our entire society, including laws and constitutions, builds on this fact. But when it comes to everyday interactions with others, this principle is easy to forget.
When you’re caught up in deception you can’t see clearly. You’re “in the box” as the authors put it. You see others as mere objects instead of the living breathing beings they are. Which often means they don’t get the respect they deserve from you.
This is self-deception at its core. It’s the idea that you don’t see others as they really are but instead how you think they are. And most often what you think of them is based on false assumptions that your needs are more important.
In other words, you frequently deceive yourself into thinking that others don’t even really have needs at all. This is a severe limitation of your worldview. Not only does it limit the care that others get from you, but it also hinders your progression.
Lesson 2: You deceive yourself by focusing too much on other’s weaknesses while at the same time only thinking about your own virtues.
Once you fall into the vicious cycle of self-deception it can be hard to get out. Part of the reason for this is because you tend to think of it as being harmless to others. But it does hurt people, and it keeps you from reaching your full potential.
When you overlook other’s desires and virtues and overemphasize your own you prevent yourself from meeting their needs. That makes them suffer and makes you selfish.
Think about what would happen if you were talking with your spouse about where to go on vacation. If you were self-deceived, you’d think that what you want is more important than what your spouse wants.
You’d then consider your actions as justifiable and reasonable, and theirs as being unrealistic and flawed. This makes you blame your spouse, fail to meet their needs, and hurts your relationship.
But the reality is, your thinking patterns are just as flawed, if not more so. And your spouse’s desires are just as valid as yours.
It’s not easy to beat this because you actively look for reasons to justify your reasoning to protect your desires. Which, in addition to your ego, also get inflated in the process.
So how do you stop it? You’ll find out next!
Lesson 3: Commit to always act on the instinct to help other people if you want to annihilate self-deception and reach your full potential.
Self-deception means betraying yourself, so if you can stop that, then you can get out of the box. But you can’t just change your behavior, especially by trying to cope or avoid others.
Instead, you must focus on changing your mind. Remember that self-deception doesn’t come from what you do but rather what you think and feel about others. So that’s what you have to target to beat it.
To change your mindset, always ask yourself if you’re actually better than the people you’re around. Do this everywhere you go, from your car to the office and beyond. Commit to always give in to the instinct you have to be nice to others.
When you succeed and get out of the box, the benefits will start pouring in immediately. If you’re a leader, you’ll create an atmosphere of responsibility where people focus more on getting work done instead of blaming others.
Life in your family and in all other areas will also get easier as interacting with people becomes painless. You’ll feel happier and more positive after talking with others. You’ll soon forget about the energy-drain that harboring bad feelings toward others brings.
As you follow these steps you’ll quickly reach your full potential and soon be inspiring others to follow your lead.
Leadership And Self Deception Review
I almost feel like Leadership And Self-Deception should be called just “Self-Deception” because it’s got so much useful stuff on the topic for everyone. It would be even better if it was just called “Self-Awareness” because I feel like that’s what it really teaches! Either way, this book is a classic and a must-read for anyone that wants to become their best self!
Who would I recommend the Leadership And Self Deception summary to?
The 62-year-old that wonders why people don’t like him, the 35-year-old who wants to improve their relationship with others at work, and anyone who wants to unlock their full potential by becoming more aware of how they treat others.