1-Sentence-Summary: Why Does He Do That? reveals the nature of male abusers, ways to identify them early, and how to respond to their threats.
Read in: 4 minutes
Favorite quote from the author:
Abusive relationships don’t always take the form of physical threats. Instead, they include the controlling, devaluing, and intimidation of the victim. For example, when abusers mistreat women, they will insult and manipulate them for their own desires.
Most often than not, abusers don’t look like you would expect them to. On the surface, they can be charming and charismatic, showing no signs of their true face. It may even take time before they become manipulators and make the victim wonder what they did wrong.
Avoiding these people starts with recognizing them first. The typology of abusers lies within their feeling of superiority, centricity, and not accepting defiance. They seek power and social status at any cost, and they want to control everything by any means.
One of our biggest mistakes is that we think we are good at reading people. Of course, this is a skill that some people are born with, and some acquire throughout their life. But, unfortunately, entrusting ourselves with this ability often leads to allowing toxic people into our lives.
Why Does He Do That? is a guide for women seeking to engage in meaningful relationships and let go of toxic attachments. In addition, the book offers valuable insights about recognizing abusive behavior and staying away from it.
Here are my three favorite lessons from the book:
- Abusers learn their toxic behavior at a young age.
- You can identify abusive behavior early by looking for certain patterns.
- You can’t change a man unless he wants to change himself.
Lesson 1: Poor education forms abusive behavior.
We may think that childhood trauma, emotional wounds, or broken homes are the catalyst for abusive behavior. In reality, although they contribute to this issue, they aren’t what turns a man into an abuser. Instead, his role models and influences are responsible for it.
A boy’s education forms while watching the adults around him. Children observe very carefully and absorb everything they see. Therefore, when a boy sees his mother acts like a servant around his father, he’ll think that all women should do the same.
Even worse, if a boy catches his father abusing his mother verbally or physically, he may replicate this behavior with his partner later in life. Studies show that nearly half of the men growing up in abusive homes end up being the same.
Just like role models, social media and news can influence behavior and negatively affect teens. Therefore, boys can pick up aggressive patterns and inclinations from influencers that praise male power or artists that promote the aggressive alpha-male in their songs.
Lesson 2: There are subtle signs an abuser shows early in the relationship.
Just like a condition, abusive behavior has its symptoms. Avoid getting trapped in such a relationship by learning how to recognize the warning signs and act on them as soon as possible. It’s easier to detach yourself from the beginning than later in the relationship.
One of the first alarming signs a man can display is speaking disrespectfully and resentfully about his ex-partner. Although he may not praise that person, he shouldn’t degrade her. Another big no-no is a man that paints himself as a victim falsely accused of abuse.
We sometimes crave the comfort of safe and loving relationships, which leads us to believe in false promises and overlook negative signs. Abusers may promise a future together from the early stages of your relationship only to claim ownership of you.
Another forewarning could be a false sense of generosity or receiving favors you don’t need. This can make you feel uncomfortable and indebted. This subtle yet alarming sign should make you consider withdrawing from the relationship.
Lesson 3: An abusive man has to change himself, and you have nothing to do with it.
Abusive behavior is learned and inherited, and that cannot change. Although you may hear promises and witness small acts of change, they don’t usually last long. That is because change has to come from within and doesn’t rely on extrinsic factors.
According to the author, most men don’t commit to long-lasting changes. Moreover, they are reluctant to make them in the first place because it makes them feel like they are losing power and authority. They then turn on their victims and makeup excuses.
The reason why imposed change is impossible without him realizing his wrongs is that the abuser has to accept them and recognize the problem. Healing starts at the core, and that is inside the abuser’s mind. Moreover, he has to commit to not repeating his mistakes.
If he accepts the problem and agrees to fix it, he cannot impose conditions. For example, he can’t say that physical violence will stop only if you agree to do or not do a certain thing. Once he agrees, he has to honor his promises or face the consequences.
Why Does He Do That Review
In Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft uses his knowledge to save women from abusive relationships and help them discover the true nature of uncaring and vicious men. His insights on discovering certain typologies of mistreating males can help readers spare themselves from many heartaches.
From early-stage signs to types of abuse, the book covers every aspect behind the mentality of manipulators. It is a must-read for anyone going through toxic relationships and women everywhere who want to free themselves from abusers.
Who would I recommend our Why Does He Do That summary to?
The person who feels trapped in their relationship, the ones who feel like they have no voice, abused mothers who consider leaving their partners, or people who feel like others close to them are being abused.
Last Updated on May 25, 2023
