1-Sentence-Summary: No More Mr. Nice Guy explores ways to eliminate the “Nice Guy Syndrome”, which implies being a man that avoids conflicts at all costs and prefers to show only his nice side to the world, even when it affects him negatively by damaging his personality and preventing him from achieving his goals in life.
Read in: 4 minutes
Favorite quote from the author:
Throughout your life, chances are you’ll meet amazing people with pure intentions. But you will also meet self-absorbed ones, which seek their best interests at heart. Everybody loves the first category and loathes the other. For this reason, and for moral purposes, we are all trying to seem nice to everyone and do no harm, right?
Well, that’s the way it should be! However, some men tend to overdeliver when it comes to being nice by inhibiting their personality to avoid conflict. When being good to people implies harming yourself, it becomes an issue. While kindness is a positive characteristic, seeking validation from others is a toxic trait that should be eliminated at all costs.
The techniques explained in No More Mr. Nice Guy can teach you how to stop overpleasing people, build a stronger character, and avoid having others take advantage of you. Now, this doesn’t mean that the book will have you become a cold-hearted individual with no intention of doing good. But it will definitely reshape your idea of what being nice to people consists of.
Here are my three favourite lessons from the book:
- When something bothers you, speak up, and don’t agree just to stop the conflict.
- Make others respect you by putting yourself first and setting boundaries.
- Get rid of your toxic inner beliefs, and you’ll get rid of your frustrations.
Now it’s time to explore all lessons in detail and learn more about each one!
Lesson 1: Stop being non-conflictual and speak up when something or someone bothers you
No one really likes conflict or arguing with someone else. But it is a natural part of our life. Plus, it can teach us a lot about ourselves and help us become more open minded in the future. Our conflict management skills say a lot about ourselves. So it is important to learn how to deal with one when it occurs.
First thing first, acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Truth is never an absolute concept, so it is important to make the other person feel heard out. However, make sure to engage and not abide in your confrontations. Moreover, when someone expresses a different point of view, analyze it first, and don’t agree with it.
If you indeed feel like they’re right, let them know. But if you have a different opinion, be vocal about it and don’t let them step all over your point of view. Remember, your opinion is as valid and as strong as everyone else’s, so back it up accordingly.
If you’re scared of confrontation, there’s no better way to end that fear than by facing it upfront. Therefore, next time you find yourself in a conflictual situation, remember to stand up for yourself and you’ll see how the situation starts
Lesson 2: You are your number one priority, so you’ll have to start limiting your availability to others
Helping your friends out is a great and noble thing. In fact, the world would be a better place if people would help each other out more. However, there’s a limit to everything, and men who tend to overplease others are also more likely to have blurry or nonexistent boundaries in their relationships.
Being unable to set healthy boundaries when it comes to your time, emotional availability, willingness to help, and other social implications, could lead to disastrous outcomes for both parties. On one hand, the other person will feel as if they can use you as their go-to problem solver without even asking themselves first if you’re alright with that.
Then, they’ll start to lose respect for you and your preferences, knowing too well that they’re easy to go around with. This will not only build frustration inside you and leave less time for your own life, but also damage your friendship. For this reason, it is important to speak up when something feels uncomfortable and not fear the outcomes of you bringing forth an issue.
If your relationship with a certain person ends as you’re claiming back respect and taping into your own power, you’ve lost nothing but an energy drainer. However, you’ll have more time for your own needs and goals, while developing a stronger self-consciousness and building a stronger, more respectable public image.
Lesson 3: Your dysfunctional relationships are your fault, so you’ll first have to change your mindset to fix them
The typical nice man thinks that if he hides his true personality and follows the lead of the other person, he’ll get what he wants. He lets go of his desires to please around and keeps the frustrations that come as a result within him. This toxic approach to creating relationships usually results in toxic friendships and anxiety.
To break this toxic mindset, you’ll first have to acknowledge what made you think like that in the first place. You have three wrongful assumptions wired in your head:
- If you’re nice to them, they will love you.
- If you meet their needs, they’ll do the same.
- Not upsetting them means your life will be problem-free.
Not only are these assumptions wrong, but they pave the way for toxic, problematic relationships. So how can you fix this? Start by acknowledging your frustrations when things don’t go your way. Your life and relationships won’t become better just because you give way too much to maintain them.
Tap into your power. To have others respect you, respect yourself first, and that means making your intentions clear. If you like someone, tell them, don’t try to please them unconditionally. If you feel like someone is crossing a line, with a joke, at work, or in other situations, be vocal and make it clear that you don’t enjoy their behavior, so it’ll have to change. Build the relationship you desire, not the one you think the other person wants.
The No More Mr. Nice Guy Review
If you ever found yourself giving your everything to the people around you, but receiving nothing in return, or being nice and selfless to them only to be treated with lack of respect and consideration, No More Mr. Nice Guy is the book for you. The author explains how you can stop being the nice guy, the one that pleases everyone but himself, and become a respected, powerful individual instead. This self-help book is great for anyone looking to take charge of their life and improve their relationships.
Who would I recommend the No More Mr. Nice Guy summary to?
The 25-year-old man who finds someone attractive but is too afraid to tell them, the 30-year-old employee who finds it hard to say no or ask for more at his workplace, or the 28-year-old man who feels like they’re being nice to everyone but have no meaningful connections.